The Gray Divorce Podcast: Episode 86 Sex, Intimacy, and Gray Divorce — Reclaiming Desire After 50 with JenMG

Andrew Hatherley |

In this groundbreaking episode of The Gray Divorce Podcast, Andrew tackles a topic long overlooked in gray divorce conversations: sex and intimacy.

Joined by JenMG, an intimacy coach with a background in social work and decades of experience in education and coaching, Andrew explores how desire shifts over time, and how misunderstandings around intimacy can contribute to marital dissatisfaction, separation, and divorce.  

Why Intimacy Matters in Long-Term Relationships

Jen explains that many couples learn how to talk about love but never learn how to talk about desire.

While concepts like the Five Love Languages help couples feel emotionally seen, they don’t explain how people experience arousal, pleasure, or erotic connection, especially as bodies and hormones change with age.

Unspoken differences around desire can quietly create resentment, rejection, and emotional distance, even when love remains strong.  

Lust Languages: Understanding Erotic Mismatch

Jen introduces the concept of “lust languages”, the ways people experience and express desire:

  • Energetic – turned on by anticipation, teasing, eye contact, and energy
  • Sensual – stimulated by the senses (touch, scent, sound, ambiance)
  • Sexual – direct, physical, orgasm-focused arousal
  • Kinky – drawn to taboo, novelty, or playful exploration
  • Shapeshifter – enjoys a wide range of experiences and intensity

Many couples unknowingly speak different lust languages, leading to misunderstanding rather than incompatibility. Naming these differences can replace shame with curiosity.  

Small Rituals That Rebuild Connection

Jen emphasizes that intimacy is not rebuilt through grand gestures, but through tiny, intentional moments:

  • The 20-second hug to calm the nervous system and build trust
  • The 6-second kiss to signal desire, not just affection
  • Daily moments of presence, which she calls “undeniably sexy”

Over time, couples often lose these rituals long before they lose sex, and restoring them can quietly reignite intimacy.  

Pressure, Performance, and Shame

One of the biggest intimacy killers in midlife relationships, Jen explains, is pressure.

When sex becomes goal-oriented, focused on performance or orgasm, pleasure disappears. This pressure intensifies as bodies change, leading to anxiety, shame, and avoidance.

“Pressure kills pleasure,” Jen says.

Midlife intimacy thrives not on trying harder, but on slowing down, tuning in, and allowing connection to unfold naturally.  

Aging Bodies, Honest Desire, and Sexual Wisdom

Andrew and Jen discuss how hormonal changes, medications, stress, and physical discomfort affect intimacy for both men and women.

Rather than viewing these changes as failure, Jen reframes them as an invitation to develop sexual wisdom, a deeper understanding of what brings pleasure now, not decades ago.

Midlife intimacy, she notes, is often more honest, playful, and emotionally rich when people stop performing and start showing up as they are.  

After Divorce: Grief, Exploration, and Healing

Jen outlines a common post-divorce progression many people experience:

  1. Grief – mourning the relationship and the imagined future
  2. Expansion (the “slut phase”) – playful exploration and curiosity without shame
  3. Refinement – clarity about desires, boundaries, and deal-breakers
  4. The Heart Hospital – a healing relationship that restores confidence and self-worth

Each stage has value, and none mean you’re doing it “wrong.”  

Why Midlife Can Be the Best Chapter for Intimacy

Jen emphasizes that many people, especially women, experience the most fulfilling sex of their lives after 50:

  • Less fear of pregnancy
  • Greater body awareness
  • Stronger boundaries
  • Confidence to ask for what they want

For men, being with an embodied, expressive, self-trusting partner often leads to deeper connection and less pressure.

Midlife intimacy, when embraced consciously, can be richer and more satisfying than ever before.  

Key Takeaways

  • Desire changes, but doesn’t disappear with age
  • Lust languages explain erotic differences better than love languages
  • Presence builds intimacy more than performance
  • Pressure and shame are desire killers
  • Post-divorce sexuality can be healing, playful, and empowering
  • Midlife intimacy is about wisdom, not youth

Final Thoughts

Sex and intimacy don’t end with gray divorce, they evolve.

By slowing down, releasing shame, and reconnecting with pleasure, individuals can rediscover aliveness, confidence, and connection in this next chapter of life.

As Jen reminds us:

“Intimacy becomes better when expectations evolve alongside the body.”  

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