The Gray Divorce Podcast: Episode 101 Pre-Mediation Coaching with Lyerly Spongberg

Andrew Hatherley | Aug 22, 2026

In this episode, Andrew welcomes Lyerly Spongberg, founder of Step Up with Lyerly, whose national divorce coaching practice helps clients move through divorce with greater clarity, calm, and confidence.

Lyerly's work is deeply personal. After experiencing her own difficult, high-conflict divorce—and an unsuccessful attempt at mediation—she later became a certified divorce coach to provide others with the guidance she wished she'd had.

Today, one of her specialties is helping people prepare before they enter mediation so they aren't trying to make some of the biggest decisions of their lives while simultaneously managing fear, uncertainty, and overwhelming emotions.

What Is Pre-Mediation Divorce Coaching?

Mediation can take many forms. Couples may meet in person or virtually, with or without attorneys, while working with a neutral mediator to reach an agreement.

Lyerly's role happens largely behind the scenes.

Before mediation, she helps clients:

Understand the different components of a marital settlement agreement
Identify their biggest fears and unanswered questions
Clarify their values and priorities
Gather the financial and legal information they need
Think about who they want to be on the other side of divorce

Her philosophy is simple:

Education and information are the antidote to fear.

Why Divorce Requires a Team

Andrew and Lyerly discuss the importance of taking a team approach to divorce.

No single professional can—or should—handle every aspect of the process.

A well-rounded team may include:

A family law attorney for legal advice
A CDFA for financial and tax analysis
A divorce coach for preparation, communication, and emotional regulation
A mediator to facilitate the negotiation

Lyerly stays firmly within her role: she isn't an attorney or therapist. Instead, she helps clients identify the questions they need answered so they can use each professional more efficiently.

Why Gray Divorce Makes Mediation Especially Emotional

For people divorcing in their 50s, 60s, or 70s, the stakes can feel enormous.

After decades together, divorce may threaten far more than a marriage. It can affect:

Identity
Community
Extended family relationships
Financial security
Retirement
The family home
A sense of certainty about the future

Lyerly introduces the SCARF model, which identifies five areas that can feel threatened during divorce:

Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness, and Fairness.

By identifying exactly what's creating fear, clients can begin separating emotional concerns from practical decisions. As Lyerly puts it:

"Name it to tame it."

Positions vs. Interests: Do You Really Need the House?

One of the most useful concepts Lyerly teaches is the difference between a position and an interest.

A position might sound like:

"I have to keep the house."

But the underlying interests may actually be:

Staying close to adult children
Remaining near friends
Having familiar belongings nearby
Keeping a garden
Preserving a sense of home and stability

Once the underlying why is identified, additional solutions become possible.

Andrew notes that the same emotional attachment can occur with retirement accounts. One spouse may desperately want the house while the other is determined to protect a 401(k) or pension—even when taxes or long-term financial realities suggest another division might work better. Build Your Own "Lego Tower"

Lyerly offers a helpful analogy for thinking about settlement negotiations.

Imagine both spouses receiving the same collection of Legos.

They don't have to build identical towers.

One person may value certain assets more than the other, and mediation gives couples greater flexibility to craft agreements around their individual needs and priorities.

The goal isn't necessarily to make everything look exactly equal.

It's to create a settlement that works for each person's future.

Mediation Gives You Something Court Doesn't: Control

One of the biggest advantages of mediation is that the spouses retain more control over the outcome.

Instead of asking a judge—someone who doesn't know the couple or their history—to decide how their lives and assets should be divided, mediation allows the parties to create their own agreement with professional guidance.

That doesn't mean everyone gets everything they want.

But it does mean both parties have an opportunity to participate in designing the outcome rather than having one imposed upon them.

Don't Go to Court Looking for Emotional Validation

Divorce can create a powerful desire to prove:

"I was right."

Or:

"They were wrong."

Lyerly calls this emotional justification.

But neither a judge nor mediator is likely to provide the emotional validation someone may be seeking.

Getting stuck trying to prove that an ex-spouse is a bad person can prevent someone from making the practical decisions necessary to move forward.

Healing that part of divorce requires personal work—not a court ruling.

Grieving the Marriage Is Part of the Process

Sometimes one spouse is ready to negotiate while the other hasn't emotionally accepted that the marriage is ending.

Lyerly stresses that grief is a critical—and nonlinear—part of divorce.

Rather than burying emotions, clients need to identify and process them. Otherwise, those emotions can surface during mediation as reactions rather than thoughtful responses.

She encourages clients to focus on what they can control:

How they show up
How they care for themselves
Who they surround themselves with
How much information they gather
The boundaries they establish

You can't control another person's decision to leave the marriage.

You can control how you move forward.

Prepare for Difficult Negotiations Before They Happen

Lyerly doesn't wait until mediation to find out how a client will react to a difficult proposal.

She helps clients develop tiered proposals before negotiations begin:

The ideal outcome
An outcome they could comfortably accept
The point below which they aren't willing to go based on the legal and financial information they've received

She also practices difficult conversations with clients.

If the other spouse responds aggressively to a proposal, instead of immediately reacting, the client can pause and ask:

"Help me understand why you don't think that's a good idea."

That shift—from reaction to curiosity—can keep a negotiation from falling apart.

Coercive Control and Power Imbalances

Some divorces involve a long-standing imbalance of power.

Lyerly describes coercive control as an ongoing pattern that can include:

Gaslighting
Manipulation
Financial control
Creating self-doubt
Restricting access to money or information

These patterns don't disappear during divorce.

In fact, they may become even more pronounced.

Part of pre-mediation preparation is recognizing these dynamics, understanding each person's conflict style, and practicing how to respond differently when familiar triggers appear.

Respond Instead of React

One of the most powerful benefits of preparation is learning to tolerate discomfort without immediately reacting.

Lyerly uses role-playing to help clients anticipate:

Triggering comments
Rejected proposals
Rigid positions
High-conflict behavior

When someone has practiced these situations beforehand, they're better equipped to pause, remain grounded, and respond intentionally.

That can completely change the power dynamic—especially for someone who felt less powerful throughout the marriage.

As Lyerly explains:

Responding is where you regain your power and control.

Is Divorce Coaching Worth the Additional Cost?

At first, hiring another divorce professional may sound like simply adding another expense.

Lyerly encourages people to consider the total cost of divorce.

Effective coaching may help clients:

Use attorneys more efficiently
Arrive at mediation better prepared
Avoid mediation sessions that fall apart
Ask more targeted legal and financial questions
Reduce stress and overwhelm
Sleep better and function more effectively at work
Navigate co-parenting more thoughtfully

The cost of divorce isn't measured only in attorney fees.

It's also measured in time, stress, health, relationships, and emotional energy.

Key Takeaways

Mediation works best when you prepare before entering the room.
Education and information can reduce fear and uncertainty.
Build a divorce team where each professional stays within their area of expertise.
Understand the difference between your position and the deeper interest behind it.
Mediation gives couples greater control over their own settlement.
Don't expect a judge or mediator to provide emotional validation.
Prepare for difficult conversations before they happen.
Responding rather than reacting can fundamentally change a negotiation.
Focus on your goals and the person you want to be after divorce.

Final Thoughts

Successful mediation isn't simply about reaching an agreement.

It's about entering the process knowing what matters to you, understanding your options, managing your emotions, and being prepared to negotiate for a future you can actually live with.

Lyerly's advice is to start at the end:

Ask yourself who you want to be when the divorce is over.

Once you're clear about that destination, the decisions you make throughout mediation can become far more focused, effective, and intentional.

The Gray Divorce Podcast: Episode 101 Pre-Mediation Coaching with Lyerly Spongberg