The Gray Divorce Podcast: Episode 83 Caring for an Ex — Finding Compassion After Divorce with Elizabeth Verwey

Andrew Hatherley |

In this heartfelt episode, Andrew welcomes Elizabeth Verwey, an entrepreneur, mentor, and founder of Spoken Lives—a storytelling platform that’s empowered over 200 women to share their journeys of growth and resilience.

Elizabeth joins the podcast from Toronto to discuss her groundbreaking book, Brave New Endings, a collection of stories revealing how people find compassion and humanity in caring for their exes.

From Gray Divorce to “Brave New Endings”

Elizabeth shares how her own gray divorce after 36 years of marriage inspired the book. When her ex-husband faced emergency surgery, she immediately offered to help as part of his care team.

That act of kindness became the seed for a broader question: Would others do the same?

Surprisingly, her ex responded that he would care for her in return—a gesture that brought mutual healing and reflection.

A Global Look at Compassion After Divorce

Curious to learn how others approached this question, Elizabeth launched a worldwide survey that reached more than 500 people across 21 countries. From those responses, she conducted 53 interviews and curated 30 stories for her book.

What she found was profound:

  • 56% of respondents had already helped their ex in some capacity.
  • Acts of care ranged from driving to medical appointments and cooking meals to financial support or managing paperwork.
  • Many of these gestures rekindled respect and empathy, even in relationships once marked by pain.

Gender, Age, and Compassion

Elizabeth uncovered striking generational and gender patterns:

  • Baby Boomers and Gen Xers were the most likely to help their exes—often because they had shared long histories or grown children.
  • Women were more likely to step up out of empathy and a desire to “buy time” for their children.
  • Men, especially straight men, were often more hesitant to talk about or act on helping their exes—unless no children were involved.

Andrew and Elizabeth discuss how cultural norms and pride can make men less willing to seek help or show vulnerability, especially after divorce.

The Many Forms of Support

From handyman help to healthcare advocacy, the book showcases the many ways compassion can take shape:

  • A woman reading to her ex-husband who once tried to harm her, after learning he suffered from a brain disease.
  • A divorced mortgage broker helping her ex secure financing for a new home.
  • A man in his 80s assisting his ex-wife with her second husband’s estate paperwork.
  • A woman signing an adoption form to help her ex and his new partner start a family.

These stories reveal that healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation, it means recognizing our shared humanity.

Healing the Heart

Beyond storytelling, Brave New Endings includes “Heart Healing Steps”—simple exercises for personal recovery and renewal. 

Elizabeth highlights one in particular:

  • Create a Vision Board of What’s Possible Now. 
    After her own divorce, she shifted focus from loss to opportunity—downsizing from a large home to a cozy apartment in downtown Toronto, where new experiences and connections awaited.

She and Andrew discuss the power of gratitude, reflection, and focusing on what endures beyond material change.

Key Takeaways

  • Acts of care for an ex can bring healing, closure, and unexpected connection.
  • Compassion often deepens with age, perspective, and forgiveness.
  • Gender roles influence how people express empathy and seek help after divorce.
  • Helping an ex isn’t for everyone—and knowing your boundaries is key.
  • Healing starts with self-reflection, gratitude, and the willingness to grow.

Final Thoughts

Caring for an ex challenges our ideas about love and closure. As Elizabeth says,

“We can’t always live with them—but we can still have feelings for them.”

Her stories remind us that even after endings, there can be new beginnings—rooted in kindness, empathy, and the wisdom of shared history.

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